#30- Learned how to shoot a gun... and turns out I'm actually quite good at it!!

Back in early October, Matt took me on a flippin' cool date- shooting!! I'd shot pop cans when I was a kid with my dad, but had never fired a gun as a adult.

On our way, I was pretty excited, but also FREAKED OUT OF MY MIND!! I kept quiet the whole time there, during training AND during shooting in any attempt to simply keep my cool.

On my very first shot, I hit dead center in the target. Seriously.

So that felt good.

And made me consider a career change. Who knows!

We got to fire everything from handguns, shot guns to fully automatic weapons. Boys would know better how rare that is. Below are our shells... and below that is an awesome photo. I'm shooting the fully automatic weapon with shells flying with my tough boots on. Awesome.

Trading Up & An Edit

I created a new goal today, "Trading Up" #33. The fun thing about this one is that it's already in process.

The idea behind trading up is that you take an item of small value and slowly (or quickly, we'll see) trade it up to items of greater and greater value. I'm going to trade up until I get a minivan or ipad or a pet monkey. It's going to be an adventure. A totally doable adventure as a mom of a young kids thanks to 700+ facebook friends and craigslist. Let the adventure begin!

And a bit of an edit to one of my goals-- #22. It did read "Become an expert martial artist." I have to say, that really has never been my desire (more of Matt's). But I do want to be trained in self defense. So it's not as bold of a goal, but I would like to pursue it. In order to do that, I have to overcome some emotional struggles with learning self defense. Drills make me cry. They are intimidating to me. But not as intimidating as getting attacked in real life. I need to face it without feeling emotionally attacked as well.

Bless you all & happy new year!

Conquer Fear

Do you stop & question why you do the things you do? I do. Maybe it's because parenting is a constant adjustment process for me. Maybe... I just have too much time on my hands. Maybe it's normal. I don't know. But I wonder why I do the things I do. Here's what I know-- When I became a mom, my life & heart changed. I knew that I always had to be the best stewards of them, some of my greatest gifts. So I've stuck by that & honored that to the best of my ability.

However, I know that sometimes I hide behind motherhood. I use it as a convenient excuse to not step out, not to take leaps, not to trust.

I also hide behind my inability... or what I perceive to be my inability.

But in reality, what stops me is not my life circumstance or my inability... it's fear. And mostly when I think of my fear it's two kinds of fear. Fear of failure and fear of rejection.

I've had a desire to be a musician for more 15 years. I can play guitar, piano, and I can sing. I write poetry and stories. I am more than capable. Yes my life circumstance does not always lend itself to a quiet mind or time to do my best, but it does allow me to do it. I can include them in the writing, in the process. I can work on it before they wake or during rest.

I do not need to let fear stop me any longer. Fear is a thorn in my side, always trippin me up. I am more than capable... I may not be good, but I need to give it a fair shot. FEAR shall not be mine.

I shall be know for my ability to trust... my refusal to listen to my comfortant, my inner voice... but to honor God by being who He made me to be-- a woman after Him, unafraid.

29 Years Old

Who I am @ 29:

1. I"m a child of God, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend
2. My short hair is a constant reminder to me of my freedom from unforgiveness
3. I think I'm hilarious, but usually after several cups of coffee
4. I recently decided to create two mommy resource baskets for myself in the house. One filled with dark chocolate, espresso beans & tea; the other filled with books, candles and bath salts. You need to be equipped!
5. I love talk radio & Dateline. There's something relaxing about hearing other people's drama but not being part in it. 
6. People-watching is so interesting. It cracks me up to get only a glimpse into people's lives. Evesdropping is interesting too. 
7. I just recently started playing scrabble with strangers via Facebook
8. I've been way into cooking ahead via freezer cooking & having dry meals on hand. It's been a huge help!
9. I try hard to live a life of wisdom and force myself to do stuff I'm not naturally good at-- like right now I'm busting my butt trying to learn a better system for running finances. I'd also like to run 5 miles. May not sound like a lot, but I hate running. 
10. Sometimes I still try to have lazy days. And if somehow I manage to accomplish one, it just doesn't feel right .What feels right is having a productive day. Sick, right? 
11. I hate superficial relationships. I also hate small talk. That makes getting to deep relationships a lot of work for me. 
12. The last few Christmases, I've been making homemade personal gifts. I really think that a practical, thought-through gift is more fun than something frivolous. This year I plan to produce my own homemade tea. 
13. I love my Rota-dent toothbrush.  
14. I have been trying to write music for over a decade. I want to make an album. By trying i mean I have a strong desire, but I have made no progress because I am scared out of my mind to fail. I need to write music to conquer this fear!!
15. My husband works at a Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) style radio station. I don't like that style of music.... in general. But I think I am one of the few who can listen to their husbands at work.
16. I often get caught up in keeping a record of wrongs, so I have to remind myself that love keeps no record... I'm learning to love... really, learning to live. 
17. I've made it my mission to never manipulate or be passive aggressive and to always check my motives. In the same vein, I try hard to always be honest and clear in my communication. Why did I make this oath? It's hard! 
18. I like creating just to try stuff sometimes. It's probably unrealistic that it will turn out any sort of beautiful, but I like the process. Basically... it's about process not presentation. 
19. When I was pregnant with Sophia and overdue by 9 days, I ate pizza in the bath... Extreme Supreme from Pizza Hut (haha)
20. I enjoy making clocks out of old records. I've sold a few... but my favorites no one else seems to like. Odd. But i'm glad I still have 'em. 
21. I'm reflective and sentimental. I also have a hard time letting go of seasonal friends.
22. I hired a recording artist to write and record a song for Matt's 30th. I also tortured him with a countdown calendar.Not sure who had more fun. 
23. Beck, Pelly, Fun-haired Becky... are my nicknames
24. Matt calls me The Recognizer. I guess that could be my rapper name. Really, I'm just good at remembering when I've seen an actor & where we saw them.
25. For some reason, I wait until I'm really busy and then decide to rearrange the living room... so that's awesome.
26. I decided never to be ashamed of my age. I may be 29 now, but I won't be 29 forever. Next year, 30 & proud. 
27. I'm thinking about becoming a certified midwife or doula. I love new life & the miracles therein!
28. Last year I was 28.
29. Cilantro.

Babe, if you read this...

This would be a real good present for my #30. I know it's probably a little pricey, so I get it if it doesn't work... but I'm just saying. I really look forward to doing this!!

8. SWIM AT THE EDGE OF VICTORIA FALLS: You can actually swim at the edge of Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe in what’s called Devil’s Pool, a natural rock pool at the very top of the falls with a height of about 100 meters.

23 Days to 29

Basically, what it comes down to is 11 years to accomplish all these goals!! Seems like a long time, but I could see never getting to any of them. Life so requires intentionality.

Right now, intentionality means being present in the season. The season of life I'm in right now is motherhood. Not that this season will ever technically leave me, but I am just saying that I want to be wholly present in what these babes are doing, learning and be there to hold their hand & adjust the process where need be. I don't want to live a completely different program awhile they're growing up. This motherhood thing-- they're growing years-- is my thing right now. And I don't mind.

That said, I find it increasingly hard to focus on myself. In some ways, I think that's beautiful. I'm glad i'm learning to be less selfish. And it's not that I don't get any time. Matt is real good about making sure I have time to myself often. Part of it is that there are multiple priorities to juggle, even when I do have my mind to myself.

But I don't want to give up. Basically at this point I need to do approximately 4 each year. So with this birthday comiing up, #29, I want to look at my goals and see what I can attack this year. For the memories, for something to strive for, for the adventure.

So stay tuned for that.

I bought a skateboard

What am I doing? I'm almost 29 years old. This is silly for me to buy a skateboard... I'm not even coordinated!

But I did.

So, now what?

Maybe I should do something with it other than let my daughters send their toys back and forth around the house. Maybe I should actually attempt to ride the thing.

*I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...*

Floored.

Life... doesn't look the same.

Yesterday, I went to a funeral of a homeless man. He attended our church once about a month ago. Some talked to him, but he was in and out. Last week, he was found dead in the canal.

At his funeral, we learned he had a wife and four daughters. He had been living life, seemingly happy until he lost a job (the place he worked shut down) and after his job search continued to come up dry, he became a depressed alcoholic... and then a depressed homeless alcoholic.

I don't know the whole story, but the funeral so touched me. Several of his daughters shared memories of their dad. Their message was one of acceptance. They knew their dad loved them--  despite his addiction. What a wonderful thing they could take from his life!

I was so touched by the generocity by people within my church. How good they were at loving people who are in unique life circumstances. It made me feel so small and inadequate and how many obstacles seem to pop up in my heart that slow me from loving others unconditionally. Sometimes I feel like the amount I have to learn is overwhelming!

This is a good reminder of how sweet our life is & how I never ever want to take it for granted. It always makes me want to never give up-- because giving up on myself means the world misses out. I don't say that to say self-righteous, but to say that every life is important and every life matters. The world shouldn't have to miss out on these wonderful packed full of potential lives!!

I'm sad for the way this man's life came to an end... and am in wonder by the small blip I saw of his life. I pray that God will use this situation to further grow me, help me to never take anything for granted and to always know my life matters... and in that, NEVER GIVE UP!

Picking a few goals for the summer

4. Pay off car! (one more month) -- First, unless somehow the payment arrived on the wrong day, this should be PAID!! Whoo hoo. This seems silly on a list of 40 things until I'm 40, because how small of a deal is paying off your car? But how wonderful it is to pay off a debt! (Real wonderful!) So still waiting on the official document, but we're PAID OFF!!



3. Appear on a game show-- Okay this one would be seriously fun to attack this summer. Plus everyone knows that game shows are air conditioned and I'll need that in the CA heat!

6. Learn smalltalk -- OH MAN!! I've been miserable at this for long enough. I have some tools, now it's time to practice. Who will be my first victim... errr...

The next two I'm going to recruit someone to teach me while I'm in ND this summer. I wonder who has a stickshift to teach me... I'm going to see if my step dad will take me out wake boarding. ... ok... there's my list!

10. Learn stickshift

16. Learn to wakeboard

Your Time Is Now

WOW!! This is beautiful & right on!

It is SO important to face each day with courage... to look for beauty in each place & space... no matter where you're at in life.

YES-- be a good steward of your life! What you do, who you are MATTERS!!

I need partners!!

Are you in the know of about any of my goals below? well then, HOOK ME UP! I need resources, teachers, wealthy billionaire benefactors, etc.! No seriously, look them over. Have you done any of these things?... well tell me your story! Come on now, don't withhold these treasure nuggets! Time is speeding at an exponential rate, I need to be deliberate, intentional... doing life on-purpose. Join me, help me. I'm already grateful.

1. Buy a motorcycle

2. Make a day both surfing & snowboarding

3. Appear on a game show

4. Pay off car! (one more month)

5. Know American history

6. Learn smalltalk

7. Learn to ride a unicycle

8. Swim at the edge of Victoria Falls

9. Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

10. Learn stickshift

11. Get something published (done)

12. Learn to love without bias

13. Finish my music album

14. Live on the road for a year traveling America

15. Backpack Chicago Basin, Durango, CO

16. Learn to wakeboard

17. Fly in a hot air balloon

18. Pay off student loans & become debt-free!

19. Act justly

20. Go with Matt to Hawaii

21. Swim with dolphins

22. Become an expert martial artists

23. Become a doula or nurse midwife

24. Have a son

25. Visit my sister Jenn in NYC

26. Get a detailed & well-researched family tree

27. Be on the Today Show

28. Run 5 miles

29. Be an extra in a movie or star in a commercial

30. Learn how to shoot a gun

31. Learn to skateboard

32. Get licensed to marry

& 8 more I haven't yet come up with

I fight to be found

I have realized lately how much women's struggle... with their roles in life, with balance, with time. I used to wonder why it was so hard... just choose career or just choose to be home. Just make up your mind, ladies. I wondered why women felt so torn?

That was long ago that I didn't understand. But it all makes sense to me now. I've struggled SO much lately. And it's so easy as a mom to put everything first before yourself. For example, I skip buying foundation for my skin because I know the children's feet are constantly growing at an alarming rate. They need new shoes again?!

They've been given to me & I need to take care of them. Others, others, others, others. And somehow if I spend my day moreso living for myself, I feel like crap.

More than half my life, I was educated and formed in the public school system. I had nothing against the system, but what I think it prepared me for?... the workforce. So after college when I became a full time mom & had what I call an open-format life... I struggled with identity & felt completely UNprepared!

I still feel like that. I have a job & although my job is technically only 15 hours. I feel like I am constantly working. (that's because I am constantly working!) Some weeks don't go as planned & my hours are a little here & a little there. But of course I'm not only balancing work, I'm balancing home, & kids, hubby, ... and then finally my priorities which long to be art & goals & pushing forward, but rarely do they come to that. I've so been meaning to catch up on my scrap booking.

I'm thankful- extremely thankful- to have a flexible job where I can be a mom & work from home when I need to. It's great. But bringing my goals, wants, desires to the surface to number one priority is very difficult... when there are so many things to balance. SO many needs above my own.

Anyways, I'm writing to say... I work hard to fight the urge. I know it's an easy temptation for a lot of women to put everyone else first & get lost for a few decades in their family life (I completely understand the mom overweight constantly wearing sweats who clearly hasn't gotten her hair done in years). I adore my family, I want to see them loved, provided for & seeing adventures of their own. But... I'm pretty sure I ought to be the same too. My hubby allows it, I just need to allow it for myself.

Becky, feel free to dream, to prioritize, to fight to be found.

I am going to be your american idol... or not!

Can't believe it was over 3 years ago I auditioned for American Idol. Before I turned 25, I made a list similiar to my 40x40 list. On it was to try out for American Idol. Well I accomplished my goal to try out, but aside from that I pretty much looked ridiculous! :) I only picked which song I was going sing a day or two ahead of time. The song I picked was not a song I knew all that well. So it's no surprise that when I finally arrived in front of the judges (the 1st round you actually audition in front of a production crew, not who you see on tv) after seeing thousands ahead of me fail and a few go through, I drew a complete and embarassing blank! HOWEVER, although I was completely horrified at the moment, I wasn't knocked down. I realized I completed my goal-- to try-out! It wasn't a failure after all! SUCCESS!!! Of course, if I ever DO want to make an album, I should get better in front of crowds. :)