Conquer Fear

Do you stop & question why you do the things you do? I do. Maybe it's because parenting is a constant adjustment process for me. Maybe... I just have too much time on my hands. Maybe it's normal. I don't know. But I wonder why I do the things I do. Here's what I know-- When I became a mom, my life & heart changed. I knew that I always had to be the best stewards of them, some of my greatest gifts. So I've stuck by that & honored that to the best of my ability.

However, I know that sometimes I hide behind motherhood. I use it as a convenient excuse to not step out, not to take leaps, not to trust.

I also hide behind my inability... or what I perceive to be my inability.

But in reality, what stops me is not my life circumstance or my inability... it's fear. And mostly when I think of my fear it's two kinds of fear. Fear of failure and fear of rejection.

I've had a desire to be a musician for more 15 years. I can play guitar, piano, and I can sing. I write poetry and stories. I am more than capable. Yes my life circumstance does not always lend itself to a quiet mind or time to do my best, but it does allow me to do it. I can include them in the writing, in the process. I can work on it before they wake or during rest.

I do not need to let fear stop me any longer. Fear is a thorn in my side, always trippin me up. I am more than capable... I may not be good, but I need to give it a fair shot. FEAR shall not be mine.

I shall be know for my ability to trust... my refusal to listen to my comfortant, my inner voice... but to honor God by being who He made me to be-- a woman after Him, unafraid.

29 Years Old

Who I am @ 29:

1. I"m a child of God, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend
2. My short hair is a constant reminder to me of my freedom from unforgiveness
3. I think I'm hilarious, but usually after several cups of coffee
4. I recently decided to create two mommy resource baskets for myself in the house. One filled with dark chocolate, espresso beans & tea; the other filled with books, candles and bath salts. You need to be equipped!
5. I love talk radio & Dateline. There's something relaxing about hearing other people's drama but not being part in it. 
6. People-watching is so interesting. It cracks me up to get only a glimpse into people's lives. Evesdropping is interesting too. 
7. I just recently started playing scrabble with strangers via Facebook
8. I've been way into cooking ahead via freezer cooking & having dry meals on hand. It's been a huge help!
9. I try hard to live a life of wisdom and force myself to do stuff I'm not naturally good at-- like right now I'm busting my butt trying to learn a better system for running finances. I'd also like to run 5 miles. May not sound like a lot, but I hate running. 
10. Sometimes I still try to have lazy days. And if somehow I manage to accomplish one, it just doesn't feel right .What feels right is having a productive day. Sick, right? 
11. I hate superficial relationships. I also hate small talk. That makes getting to deep relationships a lot of work for me. 
12. The last few Christmases, I've been making homemade personal gifts. I really think that a practical, thought-through gift is more fun than something frivolous. This year I plan to produce my own homemade tea. 
13. I love my Rota-dent toothbrush.  
14. I have been trying to write music for over a decade. I want to make an album. By trying i mean I have a strong desire, but I have made no progress because I am scared out of my mind to fail. I need to write music to conquer this fear!!
15. My husband works at a Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) style radio station. I don't like that style of music.... in general. But I think I am one of the few who can listen to their husbands at work.
16. I often get caught up in keeping a record of wrongs, so I have to remind myself that love keeps no record... I'm learning to love... really, learning to live. 
17. I've made it my mission to never manipulate or be passive aggressive and to always check my motives. In the same vein, I try hard to always be honest and clear in my communication. Why did I make this oath? It's hard! 
18. I like creating just to try stuff sometimes. It's probably unrealistic that it will turn out any sort of beautiful, but I like the process. Basically... it's about process not presentation. 
19. When I was pregnant with Sophia and overdue by 9 days, I ate pizza in the bath... Extreme Supreme from Pizza Hut (haha)
20. I enjoy making clocks out of old records. I've sold a few... but my favorites no one else seems to like. Odd. But i'm glad I still have 'em. 
21. I'm reflective and sentimental. I also have a hard time letting go of seasonal friends.
22. I hired a recording artist to write and record a song for Matt's 30th. I also tortured him with a countdown calendar.Not sure who had more fun. 
23. Beck, Pelly, Fun-haired Becky... are my nicknames
24. Matt calls me The Recognizer. I guess that could be my rapper name. Really, I'm just good at remembering when I've seen an actor & where we saw them.
25. For some reason, I wait until I'm really busy and then decide to rearrange the living room... so that's awesome.
26. I decided never to be ashamed of my age. I may be 29 now, but I won't be 29 forever. Next year, 30 & proud. 
27. I'm thinking about becoming a certified midwife or doula. I love new life & the miracles therein!
28. Last year I was 28.
29. Cilantro.

Babe, if you read this...

This would be a real good present for my #30. I know it's probably a little pricey, so I get it if it doesn't work... but I'm just saying. I really look forward to doing this!!

8. SWIM AT THE EDGE OF VICTORIA FALLS: You can actually swim at the edge of Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe in what’s called Devil’s Pool, a natural rock pool at the very top of the falls with a height of about 100 meters.

23 Days to 29

Basically, what it comes down to is 11 years to accomplish all these goals!! Seems like a long time, but I could see never getting to any of them. Life so requires intentionality.

Right now, intentionality means being present in the season. The season of life I'm in right now is motherhood. Not that this season will ever technically leave me, but I am just saying that I want to be wholly present in what these babes are doing, learning and be there to hold their hand & adjust the process where need be. I don't want to live a completely different program awhile they're growing up. This motherhood thing-- they're growing years-- is my thing right now. And I don't mind.

That said, I find it increasingly hard to focus on myself. In some ways, I think that's beautiful. I'm glad i'm learning to be less selfish. And it's not that I don't get any time. Matt is real good about making sure I have time to myself often. Part of it is that there are multiple priorities to juggle, even when I do have my mind to myself.

But I don't want to give up. Basically at this point I need to do approximately 4 each year. So with this birthday comiing up, #29, I want to look at my goals and see what I can attack this year. For the memories, for something to strive for, for the adventure.

So stay tuned for that.

I bought a skateboard

What am I doing? I'm almost 29 years old. This is silly for me to buy a skateboard... I'm not even coordinated!

But I did.

So, now what?

Maybe I should do something with it other than let my daughters send their toys back and forth around the house. Maybe I should actually attempt to ride the thing.

*I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...*

Floored.

Life... doesn't look the same.

Yesterday, I went to a funeral of a homeless man. He attended our church once about a month ago. Some talked to him, but he was in and out. Last week, he was found dead in the canal.

At his funeral, we learned he had a wife and four daughters. He had been living life, seemingly happy until he lost a job (the place he worked shut down) and after his job search continued to come up dry, he became a depressed alcoholic... and then a depressed homeless alcoholic.

I don't know the whole story, but the funeral so touched me. Several of his daughters shared memories of their dad. Their message was one of acceptance. They knew their dad loved them--  despite his addiction. What a wonderful thing they could take from his life!

I was so touched by the generocity by people within my church. How good they were at loving people who are in unique life circumstances. It made me feel so small and inadequate and how many obstacles seem to pop up in my heart that slow me from loving others unconditionally. Sometimes I feel like the amount I have to learn is overwhelming!

This is a good reminder of how sweet our life is & how I never ever want to take it for granted. It always makes me want to never give up-- because giving up on myself means the world misses out. I don't say that to say self-righteous, but to say that every life is important and every life matters. The world shouldn't have to miss out on these wonderful packed full of potential lives!!

I'm sad for the way this man's life came to an end... and am in wonder by the small blip I saw of his life. I pray that God will use this situation to further grow me, help me to never take anything for granted and to always know my life matters... and in that, NEVER GIVE UP!

Picking a few goals for the summer

4. Pay off car! (one more month) -- First, unless somehow the payment arrived on the wrong day, this should be PAID!! Whoo hoo. This seems silly on a list of 40 things until I'm 40, because how small of a deal is paying off your car? But how wonderful it is to pay off a debt! (Real wonderful!) So still waiting on the official document, but we're PAID OFF!!



3. Appear on a game show-- Okay this one would be seriously fun to attack this summer. Plus everyone knows that game shows are air conditioned and I'll need that in the CA heat!

6. Learn smalltalk -- OH MAN!! I've been miserable at this for long enough. I have some tools, now it's time to practice. Who will be my first victim... errr...

The next two I'm going to recruit someone to teach me while I'm in ND this summer. I wonder who has a stickshift to teach me... I'm going to see if my step dad will take me out wake boarding. ... ok... there's my list!

10. Learn stickshift

16. Learn to wakeboard